Opposites Day

All last week I was gripped by the unsettling feeling that I’d somehow been dropped into some weird parallel universe.

This suspicion was especially acute whenever I saw John McCain’s face on television, and peaked if, by accident, I actually heard him speak.

There seemed to be some sort of intellectual E. coli at work. People who were speaking for John McCain—or even those who were simply speaking of him—would suddenly fall victim to the same malady that so often afflicts the candidate himself, and find themselves saying things to television cameras that, a short time later, would be likely to turn their stomachs, especially if they happened to see themselves in playback.

On Friday afternoon, in the networks’ televised run-up to the debate that night, we saw an urbane and confident Barack Obama deplaning in Jackson. A voice-over presenter—I don’t remember who—was narrating the arrival in a perfectly normal way when, all of a sudden, apropos of pretty much nothing, he observed of Obama, “Doesn’t he seem just a little too proud of his own bearing?” And, after the obligatory remark about Obama’s elitist [sic] education, “Doesn’t he seem just a little too cool?”

That’s when I realized I’d landed in John McCain’s own personal universe, where every day is Opposites Day.

Proud is something to be ashamed of! Taking advantage of the educational opportunities that come your way puts you out of touch with average men and women everywhere! Cool is the new loser!

Oh, John, I am so on board now.

At last, I understand what is driving your incomprehensible presidential campaign.

Like, a few weeks ago you said of Sarah Palin on Fox News Sunday, "She's a partner and a soul-mate," even though you'd met the woman exactly once before tapping her as the other half of the Republican ticket. But now I understand that you were simply saying, in the nicest possible way, that you have no clue who this woman is or what she stands for and hope to h**l that if the two of you actually manage to win this election she'll keep herself busy in ways that don't involve many visits to the Oval Office.

Oh, and during your trip Birmingham [Michigan] on August 13th, you called Russia out for its military action against Georgia, saying that "In the 21st century nations don't invade other nations." To some, this comment might have seemed a teensy bit disingenuous, coming as it did from a man whose homeland has a penchant for launching unilateral military excursions into other people's countries and pressuring its allies to go along for the ride. But I get you—I seriously do. To me you were saying, plain as day, that John McCain's America will pretty much continue to do as she pleases when it comes to intensifying miseries in other parts of the world.

I'm really happy that I've figured this whole "opposites" thing out.

I am confused about one thing, though. In John McCain's universe, am I cool? And if so, should I be proud?